This story was originally published in December 2015.
Jennifer Crittenden is the assistant director at the UMaine Center on Aging where she helps to develop and implement research, training and service initiatives that address Maine’s most pressing aging-related issues.
It’s hard to miss the cheeriness and excitement of the holiday season from the decorations that adorn neighboring houses, the countless festivities and gatherings that urge us to connect and celebrate, and Christmas carols on the radio.
However, for many people, the holiday season can bring apprehension and a sense of sadness as we remember loved ones who are no longer with us to celebrate. If you find yourself not quite in the holiday spirit because you’re missing a loved one, you’re not alone.
Whether your loss is recent or not, the holidays can kick up feelings of grief and sadness. Here are some tips that can help you make it through the holiday season when you are managing feeling of grief and loss.
Give yourself permission to be happy. Give yourself permission to be sad. Grief can be a rollercoaster experience. It is important to give yourself permission to feel however you are feeling in the moment. While others may expect you to smile and put on a happy face for the holidays, do what feels right for you.
Make choices that feel right to you. There is a lot of pressure around the holidays. If you need to cut back on celebrations, traditions, decorating or baking, then do it, and be clear with family members about what feels comfortable to you. For example, if you don’t feel like hosting the big family get together this year, ask another family member if they would be willing to host this time around.
Honor your loved ones. Remembering your loved ones in a special way or talking about them with family members and friend is likely to bring you comfort. Some ideas include carrying out special family traditions in memory of a loved one, donating to a charity in your loved one’s name, or just sharing happy stories about your loved one with others.
Try new traditions. After experiencing a loss, it can be healing to create new traditions for the holidays. Experiment with new ways of celebrating, and see how they feel to you. Play a new game at a family gathering, try a new recipe or switch up the old dishes. Maybe even try a fun gift swap. If the new approaches aren’t a good fit for you, toss them next year.
Plan ahead. As you plan to attend gatherings and holiday events, think ahead and consider how long you want to stay and how you might excuse yourself if you need to bow out. Take a friend along who can help you facilitate your exit from an event if needed. Talk with the host ahead of time, and let them know your plan. If you are bringing food or party supplies, bring disposable containers or dishes that you won’t mind leaving behind if you decide to leave early. Give yourself some flexibility to leave when you need to or stay longer if you are enjoying yourself.
Stay connected with others. After experiencing a loss, it is easy to feel alone in your grief. Staying connected with loved ones and friends is important no matter what time of year. Fortunately, the holidays offer great opportunities to connect with new friends and rekindle old friendships. Invite an acquaintance out to coffee or a community event. If you have been attending a support group, reach out to another attendee who might be alone during the holidays. If you have not been attending a support group but would find it helpful this time of year, the following groups are available for those who are experiencing grief and loss:
Suicide Survivors Drop-in Bereavement Group: It meets the first Wednesday of every month, 6:30 to 8 p.m. at the Brookings-Smith Family Center at 163 Center St. in Bangor. Contact: Cathy Bennett, 207-974-6894, [email protected].
Eastern Maine Medical Center Bereavement Support Group: It meets the second and fourth Thursday of every month, 7 to 8:30 p.m. in the Cascade Room of Riverside Inn at 495 State St. in Bangor. Contact: Sandra Levesque, 207-973-6604.
Community Bereavement Support Group: It meets the second and fourth Wednesday of each month, 6 to 7:30 p.m. at the Brookings-Smith Family Center at 163 Center St. in Bangor. Call 207-843-7521 for more details.
Pine Tree Hospice serves 39 towns in Piscataquis, Penobscot and Somerset counties, offering comfort and dignity to community members of all ages living with a progressively life-limiting illness.
Some additional thoughts on grief and loss around the holidays can be found at AARP’s page about dealing with grief during the holiday season.
GriefShare also has this brief video with tips for responding to holiday gathering requests and navigating conversations at events:
