WRITTEN BY EMILY MORRISON
Though there’s a lot of literature on helping new parents navigate what to expect while their baby is in utero up through adolescence, there’s shockingly little out there on how to let go of your 18-year-old baby. When should you swoop to the rescue and when do you let them go it alone?
Parenting a college-age kid means helping them with everything from picking out dorm decor to figuring out their path in life, and like everything else related to child-rearing, parents must learn how to do the delicate dance of supporting their children while encouraging them to make their own decisions.
As a mom of a 16, 19, and 21 year old, here are a few reminders I’ve given my baby birds as they’ve flown the nest.
Downsize — A dorm room is a little bigger than a prison cell, but not by much, so focus on the necessities. Encourage them to find ways to save space. Lift the bed and buy the totes. If it says “organizer” (closet organizer, under the bed organizer, desk organizer) — get it. Have them check with their roommate and split up who’s bringing what. If your student has a meal plan, there’s not much need for appliances. If they want your help sticking with a color scheme for towels, blankets, and wall art, offer it. Otherwise, let them feng-shui their little hearts out.
Stay safe — There are plenty of perils they still need protection from. In this post-Covid age, kids should sanitize often, especially in communal living situations. I know it sounds juvenile but repeating the following mantra, “Wash your hands, don’t share drinks, and be smart” helps grown kiddos remember they’re living in a petri dish. And speaking of safety, sharing their location with mom/dad/friend is an absolute must. They should call if it’s dark and they’re walking alone. Text when they get where they’re going. Tell them to be smart about when they’re out and about by themselves and when they should take a friend with them.
Just do you — Some kids have known what they want to do since they were young, and others need a while to find their passion. If your child is dead set on being a doctor but struggled with every science class they ever took, I don’t think it’s wrong to give them a reality check. But I also think that kids need to figure out for themselves what they’re capable of because, honestly, they aren’t going to listen to us anyway. Your job is to be their cheerleader. Remember what it was like when we were their age. Figuring out what you’re good at takes time and sometimes that doesn’t fit within the four-year timeline of most post-secondary institutions. If your kid changes majors or career paths that means they’re evolving. Good on them.
Being a mama or a papa of an older child is a lot like when they were still living with us, except now we’re just manning the crisis control center from our phone instead of a few feet away. The fear we all face when our children move out is that they’ll stop talking to us or stop needing us in the same way, and while that’s true, our kids see us as more than a cafeteria or a landlord. We’re their safe people. So stay calm and available and remember to say “I love you” every chance you get because that’s what they need to hear the most. Well, that and, “Sure, I’ll do your laundry.”
